When we depend on others to make us happy, we give them the power to tell us the right way to look, to feel, to act.  When you look to external sources for your happiness and self-worth, you put yourself in an insecure position, because you cannot control those things:  the relationship can end or the car can break down.  You can control how you respond to those events and the choices you make every day.  You can also control how you treat yourself, thereby setting an example of how you want to be treated by others. 

People do have the ability to change their lives for the better.  Circumstances and opportunities vary, but most people start out knowing who they are and liking themselves.  Somewhere along the way, many find themselves doubting that sense of certainty that they had early on.  They look to others for approval rather than trusting themselves.  Often, especially for women, a pattern develops of trying to be everything to everyone, and life gets out of balance.  It is important to attend to the mind, body, and spirit for optimal functioning.  After all, how well would your car run if you washed and waxed it but forgot to get a tune-up or to put gas in it?

Here are some self-care tips for restoring and maintaining balance:

Physical exercise.  Regular exercise helps to rid the body of some of the chemical by-products of stress.  Research shows that exercise can equal or surpass medication in addressing many symptoms of depression.  Exercise also increases body awareness, which leads to better self-care. 

Get enough rest and eat well.  Many health problems are linked to being sleep deprived and/or overweight.  Stopping or decreasing caffeine can improve sleep, increase energy, and decrease heartburn.  Reducing refined sugar and alcohol can boost energy.  Avoid eating “on the run”.  Eat more fruits, vegetables, and whole grains.

Stop smoking.  In addition to cancer, smoking greatly increases your chances of developing heart disease, the number one killer of women (recent figures indicate one out of two). 

Have fun!  Watch funny movies.  Laugh.  Spend time with pets; get together with friends and family you enjoy.  A sense of connectedness and community is strongly related to better health.

Slow down.  Being mindful involves paying attention to what you are doing and trying to avoid doing several things at once.  It is nearly impossible to perform multiple tasks and do them all well.  Relaxed people are more productive.  Breathing techniques can help you relax – so can meditation, which can also reduce blood pressure, decrease menopausal symptoms, and sharpen concentration.

Attend to spirituality.   Spiritual awareness is that sense of being connected to something larger – it might include religious beliefs, but can be expressed in other ways.  Such exploration often nurtures feelings such as gratitude, humility, and compassion.

Journal.  Writing about your feelings can lead to a release of anxiety and tension.  Writing also helps you to get in touch with dreams you might have forgotten along the way.  Make a daily list of the things you’re grateful for: health, relationships, water, or funny jokes.  The list is endless!

Practice being positive.  Optimists tend to be more realistic than others and can often cope better when things go wrong, because they have confidence that they can do something about it.  Monitor your negative thoughts and practice challenging them; habits can be changed over time.  Seek out positive people.  Having “gripe sessions” with co-workers or friends might seem healthy, but it usually leads to more of the same.  What you put your attention on grows, so why not focus on the good in your life?  Don’t ignore problems, but don’t focus on them to the exclusion of looking for solutions.

Be kind to yourself.  Give yourself what you wish you had received from others growing up.  Work on being less dependent on others for approval.  Know that it is okay to make mistakes and to not be perfect.  Forgive yourself and resolve to apply that new knowledge in the future.  Give yourself credit for what you do well.  Break goals down into reachable steps.  Accept all of your feelings, not just the ones that others say are okay.

Seek professional help.  If you feel overwhelmed or just need some support in talking through your feelings, a therapist can be a good ally.  Therapy is often seen as being just for those with severe emotional problems.  While it certainly can be beneficial for those individuals, it can also be helpful for short-term, stressful situations, as well as for exploring options for change.  Therapists can also serve as “life coaches” by lending a trained ear to help you sort through career issues or for finding ways to get out of a rut and move in a more positive direction.

By implementing these strategies, you can begin the journey to reconnection.  It will not happen overnight, so be patient with yourself.  Just keep in mind that taking responsibility for your choices is a powerful step toward living the life you want and deserve.